ME

Today was a hard day for me at work. I was working on our drill at work not you ordinary drill I can drill 8 holes 12" apart at one time. Well, anyway when I drill I am by myself no one to talk to so all I do is think.
What do I think about. Lately my mom. Her wishes and dreams for me. And how things will never be the same.
When my mom was in the hospital my husband and my father had a talk and I learned that my moms only wish is for my sisters and I to get along. We are three different people and as someone told me we have different values.
I will admit I was not the best big sister growing up. I have tried to be a better person over the years some may say different. Each is allowed there own opinion.
I have tried , maybe not hard enough. I guess I will never know. All I want is to have the relationship I see that my mom has with her siblings. No one judging, everyone just being who they are and being excepted for that. I gave up a while back. I was tired of trying. My husband who is the sane one pulled me aside and said " Sarah, you will never be happy unless you talk to your family" Wow. Here I thought I had all the answers and my husband kicks me in the butt.
What more can I do. I have apologized. Tried to be a good sister maybe, I am not cut out for it.
I worry that if I am myself I may offend one of my sisters with my comments. May be taken the wrong way. I always feel like I am on eggshells and am tired of not being me. I love my sisters. S with her little querks, her great family, always has a smile. And A her musical ability is just amazing. Happy with herself and joy of life.

Another thing I feel that because I work long days and live far away that I am not doing everything I can for my mom. She wants Egg rolls and I am getting up early to make them for her. Big deal. I am not there everyday, I try to call everyday. Yet that does not seem like enough.
I can not cry. I am afraid that if I start I may not stop. So,like today. When I was at my drill I began to get sad and could feel the tears well up I had to stop working take a deep breath and make myself stop. (why , this is a question I have been asked over and over again. Or I have been told you are really holding yourself together. I have to because that is how I always have been. My kids, my husband they are what keep me strong. I need to be for them if I break then they will also and who is going to be strong)
This is just a sample of what goes through my head I could go on and on.