Rambling

I am someones child.
When all this bad new started to come in I had a very hard time not telling my children. I pride myself on always telling my daughter the truth and here I am keeping a secret from her. So the weekend after we found out about the cancer I took her on a trip to the store with me so I could share with her what is going on. Now last night after speaking with my dad and having a hard time with all the information and trying my best to process my feelings and thoughts I then had to pull myself together to share with my husband and daughter. My daughter was very heart broken and I had to stay strong for her. My son is to young to process what is going on so for now we just tell him that grandma is sick and needs all the love we can give her. So when I am alone or at work I begin to break down and I just will not let that happen. All I can think is if I am strong my mom will see and she will be strong too.
Crying I am to afraid to cry because I may not stop. plus if I cry and my mom hears it will just make her sad and I want only to be positive for her. I have not fully processed everything my dad told me because I think down deep I do not want to believe it.

Now my reality is kicking in I have been a smoker for many years at least 15 plus years and I know I need to quit. I have taken steps in the past and tried now here I am with a smoke in one hand and then I have this NICOGEL which I picked up at the local gas station. I am scared to use it why I do not know.
But I know I need to do something. So I figure I would give it a try tomarrow. I told my husband and kid I would do that for them now I need to try.
So wish me luck.