Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Sometimes it is just easier to show people that try to explain it.
Still doing good with the not smoking thing. People keep telling me good luck. I said I do not need luck my mother is the best motivation there is.(LOVE YOU MOM)
Have a great day
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
What do I think about. Lately my mom. Her wishes and dreams for me. And how things will never be the same.
When my mom was in the hospital my husband and my father had a talk and I learned that my moms only wish is for my sisters and I to get along. We are three different people and as someone told me we have different values.
I will admit I was not the best big sister growing up. I have tried to be a better person over the years some may say different. Each is allowed there own opinion.
I have tried , maybe not hard enough. I guess I will never know. All I want is to have the relationship I see that my mom has with her siblings. No one judging, everyone just being who they are and being excepted for that. I gave up a while back. I was tired of trying. My husband who is the sane one pulled me aside and said " Sarah, you will never be happy unless you talk to your family" Wow. Here I thought I had all the answers and my husband kicks me in the butt.
What more can I do. I have apologized. Tried to be a good sister maybe, I am not cut out for it.
I worry that if I am myself I may offend one of my sisters with my comments. May be taken the wrong way. I always feel like I am on eggshells and am tired of not being me. I love my sisters. S with her little querks, her great family, always has a smile. And A her musical ability is just amazing. Happy with herself and joy of life.
Another thing I feel that because I work long days and live far away that I am not doing everything I can for my mom. She wants Egg rolls and I am getting up early to make them for her. Big deal. I am not there everyday, I try to call everyday. Yet that does not seem like enough.
I can not cry. I am afraid that if I start I may not stop. So,like today. When I was at my drill I began to get sad and could feel the tears well up I had to stop working take a deep breath and make myself stop. (why , this is a question I have been asked over and over again. Or I have been told you are really holding yourself together. I have to because that is how I always have been. My kids, my husband they are what keep me strong. I need to be for them if I break then they will also and who is going to be strong)
This is just a sample of what goes through my head I could go on and on.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Yesterday Michael and I went and spent the day with my parents to be there to spend time with grandma and to do what ever need to be done. I needed to run to the Drycleaners for my dad so I left Michael with Grandpa. He asked me if he could take pictures with my camara so I let him hereis what he felt was important to take pictures of :
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
When all this bad new started to come in I had a very hard time not telling my children. I pride myself on always telling my daughter the truth and here I am keeping a secret from her. So the weekend after we found out about the cancer I took her on a trip to the store with me so I could share with her what is going on. Now last night after speaking with my dad and having a hard time with all the information and trying my best to process my feelings and thoughts I then had to pull myself together to share with my husband and daughter. My daughter was very heart broken and I had to stay strong for her. My son is to young to process what is going on so for now we just tell him that grandma is sick and needs all the love we can give her. So when I am alone or at work I begin to break down and I just will not let that happen. All I can think is if I am strong my mom will see and she will be strong too.
Crying I am to afraid to cry because I may not stop. plus if I cry and my mom hears it will just make her sad and I want only to be positive for her. I have not fully processed everything my dad told me because I think down deep I do not want to believe it.
Now my reality is kicking in I have been a smoker for many years at least 15 plus years and I know I need to quit. I have taken steps in the past and tried now here I am with a smoke in one hand and then I have this NICOGEL which I picked up at the local gas station. I am scared to use it why I do not know.
But I know I need to do something. So I figure I would give it a try tomarrow. I told my husband and kid I would do that for them now I need to try.
So wish me luck.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Jim and I will be married for 5 years this July and we have been together longer that that. But, sometimes when you think you have seen it all he comes around and surprises you and does something you never expected.
Yesterday, I had to take care of some things for the City we live in and was gone for about 2 and 1/2 hours. When I got home he asked me if he was doing something right on American Greeting Cards site.
I with a look of surprise looked at him and told him I canceled that membership. Yet after briefly looking at what he was up to I said don't worry send what you need to send. (know that he was sending a card to my Mom). (a little about Jim he is sweet and romantic sometimes forgets that wooing me is still a good thing and need to be reminded at times) Here was my husband doing something that touched my heart more than words could say. I did not read what he wrote her until much later that night when I looked at our inbox. After reading what he wrote I was touched because sometimes he has a hard time writing how he feels. So In honor my husband today is his day. Because of him I am a better person.
I love you Jim
Thursday, May 3, 2007
MN child support (Anoka county). Everyone I talk to tells me how they get raked over the coals by Anoka county and the amount of child support they take out of their paychecks and how if they are late with payment or behind how they are in court explaining themselves.
Here is a brief history with my case, it took Anoka county just under a year to get my case up and running and that happened only because I called on of the county commissioners and said what does none need to do to to get the ball rolling for my childsupport case to ordered(no order no help).
Now, just about a year ago Anoka count and myself took biological father to court for contempt of none payment. This process took almost a year due to the fact that if the Biological father is receiving County assistance ther State will not hold them in contempt.(NO, if he gets assistance the child does not. Only him. I could apply for assistance but I make to much $ therefore she would be denied. I asked my worker ' if I quit my job then she could get assistance' 'yep' to me that was BS.
Ok, back to what I was getting at in June of 2006 at the contempt hearing we agree on an amount (not a modification) that would keep him out of jail. After 6months of payment and him not fully completing what was ordered by the court Anoka county said they were dropping the contempt charge. I called and tried to argue and all they said was he did pay. I told my case worker I will be calling you in 3 months. Why, you ask because his last payment was on November 22, 2006.
So, in February I proceed to call Anoka County case worker. Explained to her my words TOLD YOU SO. When can we refile contempt. She told me that they are only allowed 3 cases a month and I would be added to the long list and if he makes any payment we start over. Well guess what I got a payment of $13.74.
Therefore I will now have to wait 3 more months. While he does whatever he want. And he wants to be cool father but does not believe in responsibility.
THIS IS MY OPINION.
I am not smarter than a 6Th grader. But my Internet is.....